2025#

Despite everything happening in the world, 2025 was one of the happiest years of my recent life. I feel that a lot of my efforts paid off, making my life richer, more interesting, and allowing me to learn more about myself.

Some things stabilized#

My partner's disability was recognized by the state. She receives a temporary pension so we don't have to stress about money as much. She had surgery, recovered swiftly, and can walk again. Therefor, my role as a caregiver was reduced immensely, a relief as we enter our 20th year together!

As for my own health, it's getting better. Pain in my back, shoulders, hands and arms diminished thanks to exercise. I was able to rule-out a few concerns I had (among them tachycardia and nerve issues) thanks to exams, and others are ongoing.

Despite a lot of troubles at work, going from management issues, toxic clients, or people quitting, I'm still feeling OK. I am actually detached and it feels great. I still care enough to work at the best of my abilities but once I close my laptop, work disappears. But I am getting very bored by frontend web development tho, and asked if I could evolve into project management. I had a positive response, but we'll have to discuss it further. I won't do it if the company doesn't accept a best effort obligation. Taking up the role without having the means to do it is a trap I refuse to fall into.

And finally, my non-monogamous life stabilized. I now understand what I am looking for, I am able to explain it properly. It led to long term lover-friends relationships, with people who are all emotionally mature, caring, and are overall amazing and interesting human beings.

My brain went rogue#

A thing that didn't stabilize is my brain. I had several moments that felt not right. Among them:

The urge for something, anything, to happen, right now. I crave adventure and novelty, but also stress when outside a familiar environment.
Feeling overwhelmed and overstimulated by the number of things in my environment, mostly objects but also sounds, lights, etc.
An inability to find, use and sometimes think about things if they are not directly visible. For example, messy storage becomes just a mass of indistinct things I cannot manage and I give up.
The feeling of never doing enough while never defining what is enough. Happened especially in social and profesional settings.
An increasing difficulty to focus on tasks that aren't interesting to me, to the point of forgetting about them.

My theory, as for why it happens now and more, is that I am slowly getting rid of a performative social attitude I built years ago. For the last 20, maybe even 30 years I spent a lot of energy into pleasing others, doing things right, being a reliable friend, colleague and spouse. To the detriment of my own well being and sometimes, health.

I am unsure why I work like this. Could be anxiety, past experiences, educations, role models. Who knows? Almost everyone around me, including psychiatrists, think I have ADHD. It lead to a huge mental breakdown. I'll be seeing a neuropsychiatrist in a few weeks and try to find out what's going on.

But overall I am happy#

This year marked a radical shift: I am actually listening to my needs, wants and obsessions. Allowing myself to be... well, myself, has made me extremely happy and fulfilled this year. I regained a lot of freedom to do new things, made a lot of encounters that led to new activities, experiences and discoveries.

It can go from little things like wearing earrings, buying new clothes or doing new piercings ; to more fundamental shifts like trying out stressful social gatherings, asking others to do things for my own benefit, or abandoning moral positions that actually led me to infantilize or disrespect the individuality of others. Seeing my loved ones respond positively to these changes lifted a huge amount of stress from my shoulders.

For all these reasons, I can say 2025 was among the best years of my life. I haven't felt this alive, this myself for years, and I hope it will continue for a long time.

Other significant things#

Stopped my 15 years old podcast + website dedicated to fighting games.
Stopped my 7 years old freelance shop.
David Lynch died and it affected me more than I expected (here's an interview of him I enjoyed).
Exhibited and sol my art for the first time and had a blast full blog post.
Tried to code with AI and became stupid and lazy.
Migrated this website from a static site generator to my own CMS built in GO.
I started documenting the steps for some drawings I did. You can see the creative process behind Drool and Mandala in their respective pages.
Failed Inktober/Drawtober due to sickness. I focused on a fantasy setting I had in mind for a few years, both writing and drawing elements of this world.

Did I achieved my 2024 goals?#

Take equally care of myself and my loved ones: Yes !
Draw more and better, make a plan about it: Yes !
Participate in an art fare or expo: Yes !
Participate in a fanzine: No !
Rebuild my website to fit my needs: Yes !
Go back to the gym with a proper musculation program: Yes !
Read books and watch movies: Yes !
Get diagnosed for ADHD, keep using notebooks: No !
Finally finish my apartment and buy new furniture: Ongoing !
Do another single self-update on Web Dev novelties: No !
Be a responsible and pragmatic developer at my future job: Yes !
Go on vacation both alone, and with my partner: Yes !
Use my newly gained freedom to explore even more personal things: Yes !

2026 goals#

Keep being a little more me every day.
Learn to let go for real.
Continue to balance equally taking care of myself and others.
Nurture my relationships with others.
Participate in an art fare with a broader range of art than last year.
Write more on my website about various things.
Finish my CMS.
Go on vacation alone again, and with my partner.
Refurnish and redecorate more rooms in my apartment.
Keep exploring fashion to find my own style.