So it wasn't me not being enough?#

Two days ago our couple therapist bluntly said to me "You have ADHD, and you are obviously hyperactive".

Confusion set in. "Wait, you knew all along?!" I asked. She responded it was obvious from the start, and thought I knew. Then, she added that my hyperactivity was probably expressed through my excessive need in pleasing others. As for why, I had to figure it out myself.

This conversation happened 48 hours ago, and I am now viewing my past and present life through a new lens. A ton of things suddenly seem to make sense. It also triggered various emotions and feelings in me: satisfaction, anger, shame, resentment, sadness, hope, and so on.

I feel like I was lied to all my life about who I was, and what I was allowed to be.

There are so many things that I can't manage to do correctly, and all my life I thought I was stupid, incompetent, lazy. I thought I wasn't enough. I put so much effort fighting this feeling. I built so many brain contraptions to hide my shortcomings. I buried so many emotions inside me to not be exposed. I lied so much, to others and myself.

"Why do you always try to please people in an excessive way?" asked my therapist the next day. "Because I feel that the world isn't nice enough", I responded.

Later, as I was sitting on a bench in a cemetery under the pale autumn sun, a wandering cat at my feet and a melancholic song in my ears, I realized I had lied to her too.

Deep down, I am afraid of not being worth of love.

A short moment of honesty. I took a few minutes to feel it. Then I wiped my tears, and walked between the graves on the path back to society.