Notes on non-monogamy#

Non-monogamy is either being in a sentimental relationship, or willingly single, while dating to achieve unsatisfied sexual and/or emotional needs.

It's not adultery, as it's done in the open with consent of all parties involved. It's not forced celibacy with dates/hookups, where an often non-spoken hope is to find a suitable exclusive partner. It's also not polyamory, as it doesn't allow multiple sentimental relationships.

Non-monogamy could be seen as an individualistic or solitary version of libertinism. It doesn't carry the political, philosophical or social aspects (like dedicated places or communities) that make libertinism what it is ; but it keeps some of its basic rules and way of operating.

For example, non-monogamous partners should maintain a safe distance between each other outside of dates. Each should have their own support system of friends and family to avoid projecting their emotional or social needs on their partner. If they feel it's necessary, they should meet outside to avoid violating each other's privacy. And of course they can end their relationship without having to justify themselves.

Communication is key#

There are probably as many versions of non-monogamy as there are people, and that's for the best. But the most important part is that it can only happen if everyone agrees on it.

If one member asks for it while in an exclusive sentimental relationship, it's probably better to consult a couple therapist to help sort things out. Not only it can help liberate speech and explain why this change is desired, but it can also teach the couple how to communicate better.

And that's for the best, as communication is the most important thing. It's through non-violent communication that everyone can express what they want and don't want, their boundaries, the amount of knowledge they want from each other about their respective dates, and more.

There is no blueprint on how to make it work. It's a process that takes time, made of successes and failures that defines an ever-changing set of rules between people. It requires to find a fine line between communicating too much or too little. Too much and it can give the feeling an outsider is always present. Too little and rules are not updated and each person has a different comprehension of what is happening.

Finding partners and dating#

Even if libertinism isn't the end goal, it's actually a good idea to start with a libertine sauna or nightclub. First, their communities meet in dedicated places, which helps finding them, avoid privacy issues, and provides safety. Secondly, they operate with very strict standards that are good to getting used to as soon as possible: consent, communication, protection, and non-judgement about kinks and physical appearance. And finally, a lot of them visit those places not just for sex, but to relax and chill. Talking with libertine folks can be a rewarding and interesting experience.

Dating apps can also help, but they are extremely random and emotionally draining. Most apps do not allow filtering by type of desired relationship, even when paying, which means swiping hundreds of inaccurate profiles. Depending on the location and what type of people the app centers around, it's possible to have more or less success. Unsurprisingly, very big cities with more urban and younger folks work better than countrysides.

As for first dates, having a drink to vibe check each other is always a good idea. Asking about alcohol to avoid proposing some to a non-drinker is important, as well as letting the partner choose the location.

Learning emotional plasticity#

What can be very destabilizing at first is the practical (almost dumb) realization that intimate relationships as we know them in monogamous life are made of different feelings entangled and packaged together for practical and societal reasons.

When feelings like desire, arousal, affection, trust, complicity, pleasure, safety and of course love are exclusive to a person, there is no need to differentiate and identify them. They can be given or received as whole to a lover, or sometimes even friends, without thinking.

But non-monogamous partners are neither of them. And yet, they still require some emotional connection and feelings to make the relationship work. Flirting without desire or arousal? Doesn't work. Sexual exploration without safety and trust? Won't happen.

There needs to be an exchange of feelings, and as some of them are exclusive to the sentimental partner, it's necessary to untangle this messy ball. It can be very disturbing and disorienting, especially when some of those feelings are new, strong, with lasting effects. It's important to take a step back and wait for things to settle down, not rushing any decision related to relationships during those period. There is no blueprint there, outside trusting oneself and communication with partners.

Fortunately, untangling this mess provides numerous benefits in the long run. Relationships become more nuanced and interesting, emotional stability and plasticity increase. It also helps setting boundaries for everyone involved. For example, some may want to receive affection (like cuddles, kisses) only during sex, while others might want to do it while having a drink.

It's up to each person (and their sentimental partners if they have one) to decide what feelings are authorized in what context.

Other important things#

Safety and self preservation should be prioritized, even when just talking with a potential new partner. If anything indicates an inability to respect boundaries, it's better to walk out of the relationship.

If a partner has a trauma related to sex, it's better to ask them to forbid specific things related to it (acts, positions, words), and not ask why, as knowing and helping about it is the role of the support system of each partner.

Protection with condoms is super important of course, especially when people are switching partners often. Testing for sexually-transmitted diseases should be done very often, especially for HIV.