Notes on BDSM

BDSM, or more precisely BDDSSM, stands for Bondage and Discipline, Domination and Submission, Sadism and Masochism. BDSM is about creating a safe environment using frameworks, where people can safely play with those things.

People practicing BDSM can do, in context, things they would normally never do in their daily lives. If they strike their partner, or say things that could considered as objectifying, humiliating, or emotionally painful ; most people would not find such behavior acceptable and would warn their relatives to step out of these relationships.

Play and magic circles

Since BDSM is about playing together, it's inherently a game, and since it does it in a specific context it creates for the game, it can be seen as a magic circle, a space where normal rules of the world are suspended and replaced by new ones.

The term magic circle was initially coined by the Dutch historian/sociologist Johan Huizinga in his Homo Ludens book, where he also listed what are the base characteristics of play.

Those characteristics are:

1. Play is free, is in fact freedom, and is chosen.
2. Play is not real life, it's separated from our daily lives.
3. Play always has a duration and a location.
4. Play is order, which means rules are supreme, absolute and not negotiable.
5. Play is not tied to financial or material gain.

In addition to these characteristics, that can easily be interpreted as rules, BDSM tries to provide frameworks that enable play. Among them are SSC and RACK.

SSC, RACK, and their differences

When using the SSC framework, everyone involved in the circle has to play in a Safe, Sane and Consensual manner.

Safe means preventing accidents and being equipped for emergencies. For example not choking someone without knowing how to do it properly. Not tying up a human being without having safety scissors nearby. Sane means not being intoxicated (alcohol, drugs), not doing stupid things (playing with fire and burning a house down). Think things in a sane manner. Consensual means asking if everyone on board is aware of what's going on. Is everyone in agreement, not intoxicated, not forced into this situation (see rule 5 mentioned previously).

RACK, or Risk Aware Consensual Kink, was made in reaction to SSC, following the idea that nobody can be 100% safe or sane 100% of the time. People can slip up, safety nets cannot prevent everything, and not everyone has the same notion of what is safe. So what happens if one person goes further than the other anticipated? It means risks are taken. So RACK is about everyone consenting to take risks.

Outside of the rules of SSC and RACK, the duration of play must be defined, details must be discussed about what each participant feels comfortable to do or not.

Talking about kinks

As it can be culturally complicated to talk about sex and kinks in many societies, participants trying to create a sexual or kinky relationship can feel awkward when talking about their desires, and can find themselves unable to explicitly say things.

BDSM encourages to make the conversation explicit and safe in a fun way: by making the conversation about kinks a game (and thus a magic circle) in itself. Establishing simple rules of talk that all participants agree to follow, like an order of passage, or a signal to notify others that the current kink discussed is not safe, can make the experience easier.

This type of conversation also allows participants to think about details or events that may happen. For example, if a person decides to act as an animal, are their play partner OK with them peeing or pooping during the act? What happens if they fall from stairs?

One of the most common rules is the definition of a safe word (the most common being "red", probably as a reference to traffic lights) that can be used when someone wants to stop. When used, the magic circle is immediately dissolved (as the rules are absolute) and everyone checks on each other.

Aftercare

As explained before, BDSM allows its participants to play with dangerous things, and act in ways that are normally non-tolerated.

Which is why, when the game is over and the magic circle is broken, aftercare must happen to help participants get back in the real world and their normal relationships.

Eating chocolate together, drinking ice-cold water, cuddling, but also enforcing positivity and reminding everyone of their normal relationship, are ways of reinforcing that the game is over.

It's also important to debrief it, for example the next day, to know what everyone liked or dislike. It's, again, important to make everything explicit.

Usage outside of BDSM

If the BDSM can seem intimidating, its play/magic circle aspect and frameworks for consent can actually be used by non-BDSM practitioners.

The make it explicit in a fun way method when talking about kinks can also be used to get or give consent in situations where the participants might suddenly need it. Flirt, for example, has become a complicated topic due to the difficulty of balancing seduction and consent. Going directly for a kiss without consent can be felt as weird or aggressive.

But asking for consent in a fun and explicit way can help everyone out. Asking for consent with something like "I've been looking at your lips for a while, and I really want to kiss them. Can I?" allows the participants to stay both safe and in the mood. The person on the receiving hand can also choose to play, for example by using banter, and answer something in the style of "In the future you don't have to ask".

Also, as terminologies like daddy or spanking have become cultural norm and shorthand terms, some people who are already intimate and practicing some kinky games involving power might think it's unnecessary to discuss them. But the reality is that nobody that didn't ask for it wants to get spanked.

Asking for consent is also a way of slowing things down, and giving everyone the time to eliminate the rush, but also profit from the situation, which can make it even more enjoyable.

In conclusion

When people talk about BDSM they immediately think about dominatrix women in leather, with long boots and whips ; stern men hitting women with their belts while being called "daddy".

It is a part of the community, but it's not what BDSM is. It can be playful, joyous or celebratory too. BDSM is this magical moment that exists separated from everything else.