Burning-out, again#

Yep, it happened again. I burned-out at my day job, and I'm on sick leave for a few weeks.

It's the third, but also the most violent burn-out I've ever experienced. It's so confusing. Everything seems alright to the point I question why I am on sick leave. But at the same time I experience slight continuous stress, a lack of focus for mundane tasks, an impossibility to take a deep breath without pain, and also shortened sleep schedules.

All it takes is a sufficiently strong trigger to melt all these pains into a panic attack. I shake, cry, scream and freeze. I grab my own arms with my hands and squeeze hard. My legs cannot support me and I crouch, then sit on the floor. Everything I think about is blown out of proportion. I feel like I am a useless piece of trash. The stupidest person in the world. I wish I could vanish.

Then, when enough time in this state has passed, it stops. Things go back to normal. The brain fury and self-deprecating thoughts suddenly disappear. I'm back to feeling normal. Time passes and I'm wondering why I am even on sick leave. Bis repetita.

I don't know how to get out of this. I'm just tired and want out for a while.